What Was I Thinking?

In Struggles by TanyaLeave a Comment

Clearly I still have food issues! Last night (12/28), I had a huge loss at WW.  I lost 3.4 pounds the week of Christmas!  Woo Hoo!  That’s awesome!  I was careful all week but still ate a few treats that I wanted.  I worked out four times, one of which was in my basement to DVDs.  I was feeling pretty proud of myself and thrilled with the weight loss.  So why did I go home and eat junk?

I wasn’t really hungry and I knew I wasn’t really hungry, but I ate anyway. It’s like I was partially rewarding myself for a good week (even though I have learned NOT to reward myself with food) but also partially rebelling against the intense focus I had all last week.  I didn’t feel deprived last week. I felt like I was choosing to have the treats I really wanted.  I was working out because I wanted to get back on the losing end of the scale and wanted to know that I could eat a few treats and still lose.  Knowing all that, what was the issue? 

I guess part of me just wanted to relax and not have to count my food.  I was tired.  I had a busy week and I was super dedicated to my eating plan and working out.  With my new attitude and lifestyle, I don’t do that very often, so I think I was trying to get it all in last night because I knew today was a new week and I would be “back on plan” the second I woke up.  The problem is that I shouldn’t need “off plan” days because the plan is flexible enough to allow myself treats when I want them.  This week I only deprived myself on certain days so that I could enjoy more treats on Christmas, so it wasn’t really being deprived at all!

I guess part of me misses the days of eating whatever I want without having to think about it, but I wasn’t happy AT ALL back then.  Measuring my portions and tracking my food is just part of my life now.  It doesn’t feel like a chore most days.  It’s just how things are now.  Every once in a while, I just get tired of thinking about it.  I KNOW that I don’t want to go back to stuffing my face and eating unconsciously.  I KNOW that I don’t want to go back to being 88 pounds heavier.  I like being in control of my eating and my weight.  I love my new healthy lifestyle.  I know all that, but I ate it anyway. 

And honestly, the food wasn’t worth it.  I had rice cakes, pretzels, and cheddar cheese.  (I also had a coffee with cream and a WW mini bar but I still had points left for those items! It was the “chips” that I didn’t have points for!)  The snacks tasted good, but those are foods I can fit into my plan anytime.  I didn’t need to “splurge” on them when I knew I was out of points for the day.  I was already satisfied.  I certainly didn’t need the huge portions that I had either.  After awhile, the pretzels weren’t even doing it for me anymore.  I caught myself eating mindlessly and not even really tasting them.  That’s probably because I was eating in front of the TV which is totally a danger zone for me.  I know better. 

And I know there are those that would tell me to quit beating myself up. It was one night. It’s not the end of the world. I know it could have been worse.  It could have been donuts or a Big Mac.  But for me, it’s really not about the food.  It’s about the behavior.  It’s about my lack of control and eating for the wrong reasons when I wasn’t even hungry. 

I’m not going to gain 88 pounds in one night.  I get that.  But I feel like I need to reflect on it and learn from it.  I got to be overweight by saying “it’s no big deal” and “one won’t hurt you.”  When you make excuses for yourself over and over, it snowballs pretty quickly!  So, here I am, embarrassed to share all my craziness with you, but doing it anyway.  I’m hoping others can relate to my struggle and maybe learn from my mistakes.  I’m hoping that by reflecting on it and baring my soul, I will learn from it and think twice next time.

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