I think I am a food addict. That may sound extreme, but it’s 11:30 at night and I am absolutely not hungry. I know I’m not hungry. I can tell my stomach is full. I am conscious of the fact that I’m not hungry. I’m reminding myself that I am not hungry and I do NOT need to eat. Yet, I still want to eat. I want to sit down and eat 1/2 a bag of Doritos until my fingers turn all orange from the nasty fake cheese. But I don’t. WHY?
Why not indulge my cravings? Because I enjoy my new body size and life way too much to throw it away on junk food. I have lost 86.6 pounds to date. I started in a size 20, and I am now wearing size 8 jeans! I have gone down SIX sizes in 15 months. It is mind boggling, even for me. I am the one going through it and yet I still can’t believe I am actually doing it. Is that really me turning down junk food? Is that really me running and going to the gym? Is that really me shopping in any store I want? Is that really me giving away clothes because they are too BIG??? I can’t seem to wrap my head around it.
My life is so entirely different than it was even just 1 year ago. My fear is that I could lose this new life. I could lose this new life by losing focus on my goals and growing complacent.
See…that’s why I think it might be an addiction. “Normal” people can stop eating when they are full. “Normal” people can eat sweets once in a while without craving them all the time. “Normal” people can just “watch what they eat” and maintain their weight. Me? Not so much. When I lose control, it’s game on! Mad at someone? Eat something! Sad or depressed? Eat something! Happy and celebrating? Eat something! Seriously people…we do not need to pig out because we woke up to find the sky still blue. But I feel like that’s how it used to be.
I was trying to fill some need with food. I was trying to stuff down my emotions with food. I was trying to comfort myself with food. I would reward myself with food. Sound like anything else?? My point is that I will probably never be 100% free from the cravings or the impulses. The difference now is that I have it under control. I have the tools to keep it in check. And if I do lose a little control, it’s short lived and I get right back on track the next day. That’s the great thing about sleeping. Everything always seems better the next morning. So I ate 4 servings of chips last night. So what. It’s a new day and today I will make the right choices. Today I have a clean slate.